Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Time Table

Guess I would badly need to master the art of letting go. Too much emotional blunders these days that cost my precious tears make up full buckets. If only I can save them literally, I would.  So I would know how much this recent turmoil cost me this time. Haayy, heartbreaks are the worst!  You can never really say which hurts the most that you could ever remember..because it always feels exactly just the same, tsk.

Even if I hate sharing stuff like this because it will just begets people raising their eyebrows at me, I can only hope they can spare some understanding first. No matter how I hold it back, I'm just not that tough. I just want to vent it out here in my own space. Let me breathe in and breathe out the pain, word every word, phrase per phrase, if I may. I don't claim to have readers who will care to give a virtual hug or show sympathy in any form, I just need this space to vent out. To free my self. So then, I would be ready to move on. To embrace a new strength with wide arms open. To learn and appreciate the purpose behind this 'pain'.

Being in a relationship that almost passed a decade, nurtured with a young boy who gives light and inspiration on a daily basis, I couldn't help but think why am I still capable of doubting if its still worth enough for me. Are the challenges of the past not enough? Like how much more I need to bare to take everything going and say.."Kaya ko pa!"  I never ask for a prince but my heart desires for a fairytale. I guess I haven't really found it...yet. My fairytale. And I never questioned how long...as long as it's bound to happen. After all, you don't read the line "they live happily ever after...' neither in the beginning nor in the middle part of a story. I keep holding on. That in the end, I will have my happy ending. It's too early to assume but it's not bad to presume either. The fact that you doubt your own story, could it be really meant for me? That 'happy endings' are indeed just in fairy tales? Why does it have to feel like a far off land, totally out of reach and far beyond? I wish I knew the answer because sometimes, these thoughts bubble just suck big time.

Falling out of love is not the issue. If there's still one left for me right at this very moment, it's the confidence that the person who causes me this pain is also the one who never fails to utter me his words of eternal love despite my doubts.  Someone who would never walk away even if I turn my back at him…who will beg for me to fight for the 'love' over and over again. Sometimes, some people can be a total jerk for doing immature things and would expect you to keep calm and let it pass. Until you come to your senses and go back to asking yourself again…what could have gone wrong again this time? Are the mistakes and the pains still worth it? True enough, only those whom we truly love are also the ones capable of hurting us. Even if we let them go out of our life, the pain is still there and just like love, it will haunt us and imprisoned us in time. And whenever were torn between the only choices we knew to end our sufferings, between two paths to take, the heart would often takes a detour and find its shortcuts to forgiveness.  Really…is that the way love must go?